your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you would pick up someone in the library
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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