hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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