She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
