just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
