I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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