Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
