I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
