I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
