I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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