I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sorry about my life...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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