I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you didnt know i had herpes?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
