I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
