Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
