Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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