did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
