Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize