Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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