This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
