I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
