i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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