Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
