If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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