I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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