I'm lost and stupid without you.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
