How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
