maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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