no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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