I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She needs sedatives and a leash
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
