my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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