he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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