capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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