he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
