all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Mom said you looked used
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
