I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
