I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
