Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
