No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
