Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
