so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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