A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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