Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
