At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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