how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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