If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
