I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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