we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
