i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
