I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
