i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
