Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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