He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
