Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
