i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
