I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
