I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm too high and old for this...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize