The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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