i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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