Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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